Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
