Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
