Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
