you're like a bully in the Christmas story
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
