some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
