why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
