So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
