i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
