I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
