pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
