Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
