I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
