I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
