my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
