you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
