I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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