I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
