Four minutes until I can fart!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
