I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
