Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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