My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
