my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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