They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
