Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
