meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Jerry, you need to find god
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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