getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
