his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
