New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
