Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
