then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
