I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
