She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
zippers are such a cool invention
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
