i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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