Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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