In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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