DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
