I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
