I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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