Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
