U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
