If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
