So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
