i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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