Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
