Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
