it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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