It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
