On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
