he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
