i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
