Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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