When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
