So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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