I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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