ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
