frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize