Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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