dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
