So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
