I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
