Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
